First, you are drunk. Congratulations! Feels good, huh? Okay, enough of that. You went drinking and you have to be up at nine for work tomorrow. Shit. Why did you go drinking again? For shame.
1. Get home. Do not crash somewhere else and say you will wake up at seven and shower. You will not. Get. Home.
2. You’re home, great. Stumble in the dark and giggle because you are drunk and try to undress. You’ll think it’s okay to go to bed in your push up bra and tank top. It’s not recommended, but it’s permissible.
3. But wait, don’t lie down yet. If you lie down the room will spin and you will feel nauseous and this will most likely lead to vomit. If you feel a sudden rush of saliva, you are going to throw up, so brace yourself for that. There’s the toilet, right through there – never in the sink.
4. So you stay up and turn on all of your lights and your laptop and sit at your desk in your push up bra and tank top. Stay awake for at least twenty more minutes. Drain a gallon of water. Pee four more times. But hey, you’re not puking, so there’s that, right?
5. When the internet is done providing itself as a drunken rambling outlet, foray into the kitchen. Pretend to look in the fridge but you know you are making a grilled cheese. How great is grilled cheese?!? Giggle as you make it cause wow it’s like, after 2am and you’re making food!!! Hilarious!!!
6. As said cheese is grilling, walk back to your room and check your blog to see if anyone liked your funny post. Realize that you have a niche audience at this hour and that they’re not hard to please, so don’t get too flattered. Wander back into the kitchen and remember you are making grilled cheese when you see one side is black and melted cheese is dripping onto the stove.
7. Eat the burnt/melted mush of bread and butter and cheese and drink one more gallon of water. Savor every bite and lick your fingers like you’re Wolfgang Puck.
8. Finally, you are allowed to lie in your bed. Take your laptop and load something funny on Hulu and rest your laptop right under your chin, ’cause your contacts are already out for the night. Fall asleep before the opening credits begin.
9. Dream about silly things, I don’t know what, but it will be the best six hours of sleep you’ve ever had. Wake an hour before your alarm and find your laptop strewn on the floor; it must’ve fallen off you in the middle of the night.
10. Coffee. Even though you succeeded in not vomiting, there’s a mess of cheese and bread crumbs on your counter and your throat is the Sahara Desert even though you drank your weight in water. Ignore all of these and just coffee, coffee, coffee.
There. You’re a new person, ready to take on whatever the day brings. Which will probably end in more drinking.